Dr. James Perloff holds PhDs from Harvard, MIT and Oxford. He has been named “Mr. America” for seven years running. He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for developing the world’s only perpetual motion machine. He invented the Internet. He is the Most Interesting Man in the World — he doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Don Equis. Michael Jordan asked for HIS autograph. After five moves against him in a chess game, Bobby Fisher said, “I give up.” Hillary Clinton converted to conservatism after a 2-minute conversation with him. Mother Teresa went to confession to HIM. He is author of the book Why Internet Junkies Will Believe Anything You Tell Them — winner of the Pulitzer Prize and National Book Award. He also split the atom, and, as a child, trounced Einstein in a nationally televised science debate.
OK, so I exaggerated just a teensy. Now I know some of you are fanatically obsessed with accuracy, and I don’t want your hang-up to make you freak out or something — so, here, I’ve fine-tuned the bio a smidge for correctness:
Jim “Scruffy” Perloff flunked out of East Squantum Community College in his freshman year. He has been named “Mr. Dweeb” seven years running. He was awarded the Booby Prize for inventing a fire alarm with a snooze button. He is banned from using the Internet at his local public library. He is the Least Interesting Man in the World — he doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks East Squantum Light (don’t stay thirsty, my friends). He paid $200 for a fake Michael Jordan autograph on a pair of used BVDs. He was blown away in a chess game by his pet hamster, Twinky. A dozen Tea Party members renounced conservatism after a 2-minute conversation with him. When Mother Teresa saw him lying in a ditch, she told the other sisters, “Leave him there — the buzzards might need something to eat.” He is author of the book How to Wallpaper your House with Rejections Slips from Publishers. He also split his pants and, at age 45, was defeated in a battle of wits with a fire hydrant.